72 all out is the new 51 all out

We hadn’t planned to start a blog, but after this morning’s debacle (calling it a ‘performance’ would be being a bit generous), we’ve decided that the way forward is to plot the rise and rise of England cricket rather as we might do in the pub over a pint of something (probably something very strong today). This will involve a great deal of ranting because the England team will never be perfect owing to a curse put on them by the Australian government after the Jardine / Larwood ‘incidents’, and as a result we will be forever lumped with players who fall into one of three categories:

a) Talented but having less mental durability than Samit Patel faced with a table of cream cakes (examples include KP, Bell, Harmison, i.e. ‘the middle order’)

b) Mentally stubborn but possessing nothing else (i.e. Paul Collingwood, Chris Tavare, Ashley Giles)

c) Neither talented nor mentally right in the head (i.e. Owais Shah, anyone from the 1990s, perhaps Atherton excepted)

Very occasionally the witch-doctor tasked with enforcing this curse slips up and this accounts for players such as Botham or Flintoff, although usually England realise this error in time and make them captain. thus solving the problem immediately.

I expect we’ll write individually and together, but the vitriol will be no less whatever the weather. Our job will never be done until all of our players average over 50 and/or under 20, depending on their speciality, and until the Aussies have given up and told us we can keep the Ashes because they’re just wasting our time attempting to win them back.

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