England loss put down to desire to get rid of Boycott once and for all

As the inquest into the causes of England’s defeat goes on, hacks everywhere are pointing to the batsmen’s terrible techniques against spin. Frankly, they’ve got a point. Eoin Morgan looks like he couldn’t pick which way the ball is going to spin even if the bowler were to flat out tell him before he bowls it, whereas Ian Ronald Bell (why he doesn’t go by Ronald, I don’t know, it suits him much better), having been a loveable pet bunny to his two previous owners, Shane and Muttiah, has moved on to pastures new where Saeed now takes good care of him. Every innings.

Some of these writers need to stop being so high-and-mighty though. Quite how Mike Selvey is qualified to talk about advanced batting technique when he boasts a triumphant highest Test score of 5*, is beyond me.

To avoid being a massive hypocrite therefore, I’m not going to go into the intricacies of what is wrong with their technique, given that my technique against spin is extremely uncomplicated, involving large amounts of guesswork and similarly large amounts of trudging back to the pavilion.

Instead, I’m going to focus on something that has slipped under the journos’ radar – a new and more mysterious theory has emerged as to why England lost yesterday. And it has something to do with everyone’s favourite northern pugilist.

Yes, outspoken Tyke Geoffrey Boycott rears his ugly head once again. The whole bizarre affair begins with Geoff’s comments on the evening of the third day, when he ‘joked’ that he would sell his three houses if England lost from the position they were in, a typical neck-sticking-out-exercise that is commonplace when he’s on commentary.

Now, despite being the national treasure that he is, Boycott is not universally popular with England’s dressing room, having ruffled Steve Harmison’s feathers a few years back, which resulted in Mr Inaccurate calling Geoff a ‘waste of space’. It would therefore stand to reason that an opportunity to render him homeless would be too good to miss. They might even have hoped that, with a bit of luck, Geoffrey would up-sticks, move to Morocco and become a hermit. Forget money, now that’s something worth throwing a Test match for. Anything not to have to hear ‘My mother could have caught that in her pinny’ again…

So England, in a quest to rid the airwaves of Geoffrey Boycott once and for all, proceeded to make Abdur Rehman look like a world class spinner (which he isn’t, what with not even being the second best spinner in the Pakistan side) by bravely getting out in ever more daring and idiotic ways. The trouble is, it now turns out that Boycott was joking all along about selling his houses, which makes them all look very silly. A bold plan, well-executed, but foiled at the last. At least, that’s the theory.

Then again, they could all just be crap at batting against spin.

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