Three England captains

(With apologies to Marty Feldman and John Law)

ANDREW STRAUSS: (in whites) I look down on him (looks up at Cook) because he captains in a worthless form of cricket.

ALASTAIR COOK: (in ODI kit) I look up to him (looks down at Strauss) because I want his job, but down on him (looks up at Broad) because he plays hit-and-giggle cricket.

STUART BROAD: (in T20 kit, with dancing girls on either arm) I know my place. I look up to them both. But I don’t look up to him (looks down at Cook) as much as I look up to him (looks down at Strauss) because he has innate breeding (and two Ashes wins).

STRAUSS: I have got innate breeding (and two Ashes wins), but I have not got any money or glamour. So sometimes I look up to him (looks up at Cook).

COOK: I still look up to him (looks down at Strauss) because although I have money, I am vulgar. But I am not as vulgar as him (looks up at Broad – and dancing girls) so I still look down on him.

BROAD: I know my place. I look up to them both. But while I am rich, I am a fast bowler – industrious, athletic and underappreciated. Had I the inclination, I could look down on them both. But I don’t, because I want their jobs.

COOK: We all know our place, but what do we get out of it?

STRAUSS: I get a feeling of superiority over them.

COOK: I get a feeling of inferiority from him (Strauss) but a feeling of superiority over him (Broad).

BROAD: I get a sackful of money.

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