MCC Tour to India – 2nd Test report

We’ve been stood here, tapping our feet, waiting for the report to come through from India. Finally, after two days, our patience was rewarded by this from our correspondent. We think he may have had a celebratory beverage or two:

ENGLAND WIN STOP STILL DRUNK STOP NO ONE ABLE TO STOP KP COOK AND SPINNERS STOP SHOULD STOP SAYING STOP IN A TELEGRAM STOP TEE HEE HEE ONTO MY FOURTEENTH BOTTLE OF MADEIRA STOP

We later also received this message:

SORRY FOR PREVIOUS CABLE STOP PLEASE DONT FIRE ME STOP OH GOD MY HEAD HURTS MOTHER OF ALL HANGOVERS STOP ENGLAND DID WIN DIDNT JUST IMAGINE IT MONTY AND SWANN LIKE NEW LOCK AND LAKER STOP BROAD HOPELESSLY OUT OF SORTS STOP LEAVING BOMBAY TOMORROW ON OVERNIGHT SLEEPER OFF TO CALCUTTA STOP

Ricky Ponting Looking Upset – 23/11/12

It’s been a long time since we brought you Ricky’s antics, but a moment yesterday reminded us that he was not only still playing cricket, but that he’d managed to rid himself of his zimmer frame and shuffle his way onto a cricket pitch. Before falling over.

Yes! In possibly one of the most senior duels ever to take place on a cricket pitch, RP (37 years, 340 days at time of writing) and Jacques Kallis (a nipper at 37 years, 38 days) faced off, the latter comprehensively winning, although later pulling a hammy for his troubles. The video is below, but it led to cracking photos of the gallant loser in all sorts of acrobatic positions, as Mark Nicholas put it – ‘Ponting all over the place; humiliated…’

First – the video evidence:

Next, a photo of the incident:

“What am I doing down here? Last thing I remember I was captain and we hadn’t lost the Ashes for 19 years…”

Wonderful. How the mighty are fallen (literally) and, unequivocally, looking upset…

More updates from the first Test

It’s taken two days to come in, but here is the update from our man from Day 4:

COOK STILL BATTING STOP WILL IT EVER END STOP THANK THE LORD FOR PRIOR OR ELSE WOULD HAVE ENDED IT ALL STOP PIETERSEN MAKING PITCH LOOK LIKE SNAKE PIT STOP

And from Day 5:

ENGLAND LOSE BY 9 WICKETS STOP TAIL ONLY GOOD FOR MAKING FEATHER DUSTERS STOP BELL TO RETURN HOME BY NEXT STEAMER FOR BIRTH OF CHILD EXPECTED BACK MARCH STOP WISH MORE OF ENGLAND BATSMENS WIVES WOULD GET IN FAMILY WAY BASED ON CURRENT FORM STOP

Opinionated as ever…

Latest updates from the MCC Tour – 1st Test: Ahmedabad

(London – 17th November) By virtue of the latest in modern technology, this electric telegraph has just arrived from our man in India:

MCC ALL OUT 191 STOP NOW FOLLOWING ON STOP DEPLORABLE COLLAPSE STOP BELL PARTICULARLY CRETINOUS CHIPPING FIRST BALL LONG OFF STOP HANGING MATTER STOP TRYING TO DROWN SORROWS BUT GUJARAT DRY STATE STOP SEND DOZEN CASES CHAMPAGNE IMMEDIATELY PREFERABLY MOET STOP

We’ll have more from our own correspondent in Ahmedabad as and when it comes in.

 

 

I guess that’s why they call it home advantage…

Has Indian skullduggery ever reached such lows? Short of actually releasing a herd of livestock onto the outfield and letting them mill around during the game, there’s nothing more they could have done to piss on England’s chips in terms of preparation than to prepare pitches quite unlike what they’ll face in the Test matches and essentially give them warm up games against a bunch of Sunday second elevens (without spinners).

At least that’s what certain high-profile former English players would have you believe. In a tweet (I can’t believe I’m using a tweet as a journalistic source), Michael Vaughan called the tactics ‘pathetic’ and not in the spirit of the game. David Lloyd described it as ‘lacking in class and style’.

No.
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