Cricket Australia’s Dastardly Plan Revealed

It’s all clear now, we finally see. You’ve got to admire them, because it’s extremely clever and been years in the planning. But we’ve got your number, Cricket Australia.

Yes, as the tour to England lurches from misery to ridicule to farce, everyone thinks that Australia’s team come the first Test is going to have all the resilience of a wet one-ply tissue. With their captain crocked, their opening batsman ‘doing a Ricky’ and Mitchell Johnson’s hair having had an unfortunate encounter with a lawnmower, it’s not exactly been the best start to the tour. When you add in 65 all out against India, it all starts to look so fishy it’s almost deliberate. It’s only following Warner’s contretemps (which will presumably be renamed ‘The Big Bash’, ‘Warner-gate’ or ‘The Root-Beer Incident’) that the plan has become clear to your intrepid reporters.