Cricket Australia’s Dastardly Plan Revealed

It’s all clear now, we finally see. You’ve got to admire them, because it’s extremely clever and been years in the planning. But we’ve got your number, Cricket Australia.

Yes, as the tour to England lurches from misery to ridicule to farce, everyone thinks that Australia’s team come the first Test is going to have all the resilience of a wet one-ply tissue. With their captain crocked, their opening batsman ‘doing a Ricky’ and Mitchell Johnson’s hair having had an unfortunate encounter with a lawnmower, it’s not exactly been the best start to the tour. When you add in 65 all out against India, it all starts to look so fishy it’s almost deliberate. It’s only following Warner’s contretemps (which will presumably be renamed ‘The Big Bash’, ‘Warner-gate’ or ‘The Root-Beer Incident’) that the plan has become clear to your intrepid reporters.

You see, it’s so bad that it can’t be accidental. When Warner gets sent home for bar-brawling and Clarke gets sent home on a gurney, there’s going to be two spots in the touring party. Presumably a few more mishaps will occur over the next month… At least two more of the seamers are likely to break down injured, based on previous form, some bizarre new immigration law will mean that Ed Cowan is no longer qualified to play for Australia and Matthew Wade will be implicated in the JFK assassination.

Can you tell what it is yet?

Yes, with empty spots to fill and no obvious candidates (other than Fawad Ahmed, that chap who will forever put an end to the Aussies bashing us about having South Africans in our side), Australia will have to hunt around for someone, anyone, who can play.

At which point:

1. Ricky Ponting, fresh off the back of another ton on the table-top at the Oval, does his seventh U-turn and re-declares himself available for selection

2. Glenn McGrath, over as a TMS summariser, finds his old bowling boots and a well-worn pair of whites lurking at the bottom of his suitcase

3. Shane Warne, waking up one morning at Hurley Towers, suddenly decides that 708 Test wickets aren’t quite enough

4. Jason Gillespie, after stepping in as an emergency net bowler after everyone else has keeled over with exhaustion trying to get Adil Rashid out, discovers he can still wang it down at 90 mph

5. One of Matthew Hayden’s TV recipes ‘accidentally’ advocates the use of uncooked prawns and the threat of a class action means he’s suddenly urgently required on the other side of the world

6. Cricket Australia welcome all of them back with open arms, presenting each of them with suspiciously well-tailored Team Australia whites and tracksuits and putting them straight in front of a conveniently pre-organised press conference.

Strewth!

Aha! The plan unfolds in all its wicked glory. The England team, so terrified by the sight of some of its greatest tormentors, turn tail and hole up in the Trent Bridge pavilion, refusing to come out until ‘those nasty men have left us alone’. They offer the Ashes urn in exchange for safe passage and a ship to Nova Scotia, where they become hermits and are never heard of again.

Even Sherlock Holmes on crystal meth couldn’t have solved that one any better than us.

If you have a mystery that needs solving, write to us. We’ve got nothing better to do.

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  1. Champions Trophy – What was the point? | KaYoS Cricket Blog

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