5 recent cricket stories you might have missed

We seem to spend half our time apologising, but sorry for the lack of recent posts. With the Ashes coming up, we will be posting more regularly. Anyway, you can read all the mainstream stuff about proper cricket on popular websites, but here’s a few things you might just have overlooked:

1. Sri Lankan cricketer in flight farce – This is fantastic. What is it about cricketers and booze and flying? Ramith Rambukwella, son of a government minister (entirely coincidentally, of course!) got pissed on a flight (as one does) from St Lucia to Gatwick and had to answer the call of nature (as one does). Trouble is that he tried to get a little too close to nature, specifically the birds, at 35,000 feet. Mistaking the plane door for a toilet door (as one does), he spent two minutes trying, and failing, to open it. This raises three questions: 1) How pissed do you have to be to spend two minutes trying to open a door that won’t open? 2) How pissed do you have to be to mistake a plane door, with lots of levers and buttons, for a toilet door, which is about 1 millimetre thick and featuring precisely no levers and no buttons? and 3) How pissed does everyone else on the flight have to be to not try and stop a man depressurising the cabin for TWO MINUTES?

2. Brezza thwarted – Don’t get too close to Tim Bresnan for a few days because he’s probably even more grumpy than Yorkshiremen usually are. After toiling away for his first first class century in 6 years, the following day he finds out that, through no fault of his own, the match is no longer first class, and it carries as much statistical weight as a hit-around with your little brother in the garden. Graeme Swann also missed out on 94 and Joe Root 4 wickets. Mind you, on the flip-side…

3. Obscure first class cricket record broken – If you’d been able to tell us before today who had scored the highest score in the Oxford v Cambridge varsity match, you would have earned yourself a very big gold star indeed. As only boring stattos could, there was great excitement in TGECF Towers as we watched Sam Agarwal of Oxford University (not a place we’re particularly fond of, as Cambridge graduates) pile up 313*, breaking the previous record of 247 held by Salil Oberoi. The scorecard makes slightly unusual reading, as only one other player passed 50 in either first innings. Well done him. I bet Brezza’s delighted that Agarwal gets a first class triple century in the book and he gets absolutely nowt, as they say up there.

4. Chris Martin retires – We’re genuinely upset by this one. Never again will we get to see Martin prodding hopelessly at the ball about to carry his off stump six feet away. Yeah, he was a decent bowler, but seriously, who’s going to remember him for that? Instead he will go down as the worst ever Test batsman in a number of exciting categories, including most pairs (7), fewest runs per innings batted (1.18) (qualified) and lowest average (qual. more than 25 innings). Well done, Chris. You can retire in peace knowing your place in cricketing history is assured.

5. Salman Butt is still a cheat. So is Danish Kaneria. What a shame.

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  1. Chris Martin retiring is a downright shame. A legend of the game.

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