TGECF emerges from behind the sofa

1. We now understand what that Chinese bamboo torture must feel like. First the wheels fell off, then the engine fell out the bottom, before the chassis finally disintegrated altogether. Then Mitchell Johnson dyed his moustache pink. We’re not sure what the term for a fear of pink moustaches is, but eleven Englishmen are about to undergo intensive treatment for it.

2. We here at TGECF weren’t really interested in the Ashes anyway [looks shiftily around to make sure no one noticed]. It’s all about the World T20 in March. Really. Well, no. Not really – not even we can keep a straight face on that one.

3. Hurrah for Ben Stokes. The next big thing! Cue inevitable heaping of pressure on a young man by a desperate English media. All we need to do now is to find another seven or eight players and we’ve almost got a team.

4. We really jinxed it before the first Test by suggesting there was no chance all those injury-prone Aussies would make it through the series without breaking down. Our comments about Jonathan Trott’s redoubtable mental strength were also a little bit, ahem, unfortunate.

5. Hats off to the Aussies. Their bowlers were relentless and England just weren’t up to it. Mitchell Johnson came up trumps.  The only crumb of comfort for England is that Harris is 34, Johnson 32 and Siddle 29. They may not all be around in 2015.

6. You have to wonder whether the stress of two back-to-back Ashes series fried the England players’ brains once they were on the ropes. Not to mention the selectors, who have been made to look a little bit silly for aspects of their touring party (Steve Finn and his 4-wicket-per-Test average in particular must be wondering where they stand in the greater scheme of things). We expect the team for the first Test against Sri Lanka in the summer to look quite a bit different from this one.

Now that’s over, we’re going to do our very best to expunge the whole thing from our memories. I’m sorry, what Ashes series?

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