Two mildly satisfied and cautiously optimistic England cricket fans

Crikey – only three posts in the last year. Well, sorry about that. We haven’t died or anything. We’re still here.

Anyway, there will continue to be cricket-related rubbish to read here. It’s just not as funny when England are actually good. Peter Moores’s bumbling ineptitude was hilarious in a slapstick kind of way, but now we’ve got a boring Aussie in charge who seems to be able to make a winning team without ‘looking at the data’ for more hours than there are in a day, or so it appears. They’ve won the Ashes, they’ve won in South Africa, and now presumably they’re going to shock everyone by winning the World T20 (actually, steady on, that might be a bit much).

Tweedledee (Matt Prior) and Tweedledum (Graeme Swann) are but distant specks on the horizon (along with the mad hatter himself, KP); Joe Root seems to have stopped making it his raison d’etre to goad Australians and has knuckled down into a figure that should terrify Australians; Ben Stokes has stopped smacking lockers and now just smacks everything; and Alastair Cook has got back to scoring runs as Alastair Cook does (by the imperial ton). Stuart Broad is still an impetuous toddler, but he’s now run through more sides than a bad bout of the (Jonathan) trotts, which is just so dull to write about, albeit pant-wettingly exciting to watch.

The only questions left are whether James Anderson can still be an effective bowler now that the pace that he’s bowling at means that the ball takes longer to reach the other end than the heavy roller does, whether it can be empirically proven that Alastair Cook’s opening partner position is cursed, and whether there’s enough time before the death of the universe for one of Nick Compton’s innings to crawl past 100.

Oh, one more. How hard does the ball have to be hit for James Taylor not to be able to catch it? I reckon he should be sent to CERN for a few weeks to have subatomic particles fired at him. Then we’ll see how quick he really is…

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