FOR SALE: Cricket bats, set of 10, light markings to edges, otherwise as new. Contact D Lehmann, Box 72.

URGENTLY NEEDED: 11 men for 5-day job in Kennington, London. Must have Australian passport. No other experience necessary. Contact James Sutherland, Box 109.

FOUND: Eleven meek kittens, found in grassland near River Trent, Nottingham. Free to a good home. Write to: ACB, Box 33.

SEEKING WORK: Recently unemployed man, 34, with some management exp. seeks casual work. No heavy lifting. Call 60410 and ask for Michael C.

LOST: One vicious attack dog, golden. Answers to Stuart. If seen, do not approach, but call Trevor on 8415.


Phil Hughes – sport and life in context

It is a strange thing that sometimes you become so used to something that you forget how odd it is. So it is with this weird and wonderful game of ours. With the news of Phil Hughes’s horrific accident yesterday, it made me realise, as if it were not obvious, that cricket is not so far removed from David casting his sling at Goliath, the only difference being our projectile is better crafted than the average rock. And that is sport. In many respects, sport is an outlet for the physical violence, aggression and desire for superiority that our species is so sadly adroit at, a way to utilise our skill at killing and maiming in a safer and more controlled environment.

From the Archives: (i.e. we forgot to post this before) Film Review Roundup: The Adelaideville Horror

Out this week on DVD following the grand premiere in December, the Adelaideville Horror is based on the true story of a group of eleven young men who get holed up in an unfamiliar location. With their only means of defence a few pieces of wood, they are slowly picked off by a crazed killer (Mitchell Johnson).

England beat Australia

England can expect a hero’s welcome when they return from Australia, following glorious victory against the old enemy at Perth. Our country’s finest were the better team in all facets of the game and have yet again dashed Australia’s hopes of winning.

It remains to be seen how the Aussies will recover from such a crushing defeat.

But that’s enough about the women. In other news, the men’s team also won a crucial decider¬†meaningless dead rubber match on the same ground and now have a record of 1 win and 8 defeats in all internationals in Australia. Pathetic.

TGECF emerges from behind the sofa

1. We now understand what that Chinese bamboo torture must feel like. First the wheels fell off, then the engine fell out the bottom, before the chassis finally disintegrated altogether. Then Mitchell Johnson dyed his moustache pink. We’re not sure what the term for a fear of pink moustaches is, but eleven Englishmen are about to undergo intensive treatment for it.

2. We here at TGECF weren’t really interested in the Ashes anyway [looks shiftily around to make sure no one noticed]. It’s all about the World T20 in March. Really. Well, no. Not really – not even we can keep a straight face on that one.

3. Hurrah for Ben Stokes. The next big thing! Cue inevitable heaping of pressure on a young man by a desperate English media. All we need to do now is to find another seven or eight players and we’ve almost got a team.

4. We really jinxed it before the first Test by suggesting there was no chance all those injury-prone Aussies would make it through the series without breaking down. Our comments about Jonathan Trott’s redoubtable mental strength were also a little bit, ahem, unfortunate.

5. Hats off to the Aussies. Their bowlers were relentless and England just weren’t up to it. Mitchell Johnson came up trumps.¬† The only crumb of comfort for England is that Harris is 34, Johnson 32 and Siddle 29. They may not all be around in 2015.

6. You have to wonder whether the stress of two back-to-back Ashes series fried the England players’ brains once they were on the ropes. Not to mention the selectors, who have been made to look a little bit silly for aspects of their touring party (Steve Finn and his 4-wicket-per-Test average in particular must be wondering where they stand in the greater scheme of things). We expect the team for the first Test against Sri Lanka in the summer to look quite a bit different from this one.

Now that’s over, we’re going to do our very best to expunge the whole thing from our memories. I’m sorry, what Ashes series?


Police are hunting a Queensland man who launched a crazed and brutal attack on a bewildered group of English tourists in full public view. He has been named as Mitchell Johnson, 32. Johnson is described as being 6 foot 2 inches tall, stocky, with black hair. He has a number of tattoos on his arms and a horseshoe moustache. He was last seen wearing a white shirt and white trousers. Police released this last known picture of Johnson (right). The public have been warned not to approach Johnson, who is known to be armed with a potentially lethal projectile. All of the English tourists have now been released from hospital, although several are still being assessed for potential psychological damage.


Johnson is described as “extremely dangerous”

We have managed to speak to a few of the victims within the past few hours. Matthew Prior, 31, told us, “The first thing I knew is that this big bloke with a moustache was running towards me at full pelt, before hurling something red at my head. I still don’t know what it was but it looked like if it had hit me, it could have killed me. I’d say it was travelling at over 90mph. I don’t know why he would do that but I was very scared. I wasn’t hanging around. I’ve never seen such aggression.”

Monty Panesar, 31, said, “He just kept coming back, again and again. He hit me on the head and the arm. It was all I could do to defend myself. I’m shaken, I really am.”

According to Panesar, one of the men still receiving treatment is Stuart Broad, 27. Broad is apparently so traumatised that the only discernable words he has uttered since the incident is, “There’s something wrong with the screen. Something wrong with the screen…”

Chief Inspector Jeff Crowe, who is leading the police operation, described Johnson as “extremely dangerous.” “The motive for these chilling attacks is still unknown, although we believe it may have been done for some kind of fun. We are also trying to trace several other similarly dressed men who may have been in the vicinity at the time of the attacks.”

Anyone who may have witnessed the attacks is encouraged to sob into their morning coffee before contacting the police.

Well-known Comedy Group Reunites

In a move that has shocked the cricketing world, the legendary comedy troupe, Monty Panesar’s Flying Circus, have to decided to re-form for a hilarious, high-jinks filled tour to Australia.


How it might look

With their legendary slapstick humour and unpredictable shifts in comedic tone, MPFC were in their heyday during the 1990s, when their side-splitting antics, featuring dropped catches, woeful batting collapses and left-field selection decisions left everyone apart from England in fits of hysterical laughter. Over the last few years, however, their appearances have become fewer and further between, last being seen in public in January 2012, with the seminal ’72 all out’ episode.

Now really!


We’re no experts, but the Australian media’s continuing ostracisation of Stuart Broad for not walking at Trent Bridge is just a little hypocritical, seeing as their own skipper committed an even more blatant version against India a few years back. Or, as the Huffington Post points out, the Chappell underarm incident was hardly the height of sportsmanship…

Here we go again…

Fear not, those of you suffering through the first gusts of the chilly England winter. You’ll soon be able to turn on your televisions and warm your hands on the hot Australian summer emanating from it. Or, even better, make yourself a nice cup of hot chocolate, get back under the covers, and put TMS on.

Now the world has got over the fact that a man who used to play cricket now no longer plays cricket, we can focus on some men actually playing cricket in a series which isn’t a glorified charity game for Sachin Tendulkar. So here’s a few thoughts from us:

India v Australia – who’d be a bowler?

If you were to ask someone who really knows about cricket what the key to the game is, the chances are they would tell you ‘having a good balance between bat and ball.’ Even if you were to ask a freshly lobotomised cricket newcomer, they’d probably say ‘runs and wickets’. Note how that’s runs and wickets. Not just runs. Clearly nobody has told Indian administrators about this. Recently we have been treated to one of the highest scoring ODI series in history, a series where a six was hit on average every five overs. And we couldn’t have been less interested. It’s almost as though someone with no understanding of the game saw a T20 game and reasoned ‘why can’t we do this for 50 overs games too?’ It gets the crowds in, they get to see Dhoni playing the helicopter, and the BCCI makes lots of money. In doing so however, they create a guaranteed cure for insomnia for most of those watching.