Anderson and Jadeja to get clip round ear and detention

The ICC today announced that James Anderson and Ravindra Jadeja would, after all, be punished for their unsightly spat at Trent Bridge. Chief executive Dave Robertson issued the following statement:

“Following the report of the judicial commissioner, it has been decided that, as Anderson and Jadeja conducted themselves like a couple of idiotic schoolboys, they will be punished as idiotic schoolboys. Both will have their heads banged together and, additionally, Anderson will receive a clip round the ear.”

Richardson further announced that the two players will receive detention for their actions: “They will be made to sit facing one another, writing ‘I will not behave like a 12-year-old’ out a thousand times. Any kicking under the table or sticking out of tongues will result in a further detention. Both will be banned from afternoon games until they’ve completed their punishment. They will also have their tuck allowance removed for two weeks.”

In one respect, however, Richardson was disappointed with the decision: “I have elected not to appeal the decision of the judicial commissioner, though I must profess myself disappointed that he was not comfortably satisfied that either Anderson or Jadeja deserved a damn good thrashing. I had got my old birch rod out of the cabinet and everything.”

 

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Come in, Number One, your time is up

Well that was a risible pile of manure, wasn’t it children? The Indians came into the heart of English cricket and knocked down our flimsy house of cards, complete with its card-analysis suite, card masseur and high-performance card director, with a flamethrower. Cut the pretence, it’s looking like the 1990s again.

A sign of how desperate things are in English cricket now is that we’d almost be prepared to go back to the bad old ways of the 90s, if only so we could have a selection panel that would actually have the courage to grab matters by the soft-and-danglies and switch captains during the series. Cook is hanging on like a shipwreck survivor hangs on to the last bit of flotsam this side of the horizon, with about the same long-term chances of survival.
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India v Australia – who’d be a bowler?

If you were to ask someone who really knows about cricket what the key to the game is, the chances are they would tell you ‘having a good balance between bat and ball.’ Even if you were to ask a freshly lobotomised cricket newcomer, they’d probably say ‘runs and wickets’. Note how that’s runs and wickets. Not just runs. Clearly nobody has told Indian administrators about this. Recently we have been treated to one of the highest scoring ODI series in history, a series where a six was hit on average every five overs. And we couldn’t have been less interested. It’s almost as though someone with no understanding of the game saw a T20 game and reasoned ‘why can’t we do this for 50 overs games too?’ It gets the crowds in, they get to see Dhoni playing the helicopter, and the BCCI makes lots of money. In doing so however, they create a guaranteed cure for insomnia for most of those watching.
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Ten balanced and reasoned thoughts on the current state of Australian cricket by two utterly impartial commentators

Yeah, as if.*

  • We’ve got to say, we agree with the general consensus that Mickey Arthur and Michael Clarke’s handling of Presentationgate (which is what we assume it’s been named, if not, it’s now Copyright TGECF 2013) was a mite on the draconian side. That said, it’s well worth reading Brydon Coverdale’s article, which tries to set the context in which this decision was taken and, suddenly, it makes more sense. Even so, there were perhaps better, albeit less hilarious, ways of resolving it internally without reducing the assembled mass of the cricketing world to either Force 12 rage (if Australian) or giggling little girls (if everyone else).

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The State of the Union

So, here we are.

We’ve been cluttering your inbox / news feed / Google search results for over a year now. We were rather too busy to mark the occasion with a proper, flag-waving ceremony, complete with lip-syncing major artist, but now the time is ripe to look back over the last year. A lot of interesting stuff has happened to England cricket in that time, so we thought we’d take our own, probably not all that unique, look at that.

The catalyst for this blog, as the web address might suggest, was England’s utterly abject subsidence to Pakistan a year ago (a Pakistan, we note, that got bowled out for 49 this very morning). We can still picture it now, rather too vividly for our liking (you see it’s imprinted on the inside of our eyelids and we still lie in bed at night in a cold sweat thinking about it) but if you’re not quite as haunted by it as we are, the full, horrible evidence can be viewed here. It was a spur of the moment thing – a combination of anger and embarrassment coupled with the need to vent those emotions led to our establishment.

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The TGECF Awards 2012 (Part 2)

A few days ago, we brought you the first part of our awards for the year. However, there’s still a few humdingers to come, so we hope you will enjoy our entirely subjective look at the year past.

Unpleasant noise of the year – Adnan Akmal (award presented by Kamran Akmal)

We’re guessing that, somewhere in the mists of time, the Akmals had an ancestor who was a large-lunged opera singer. Either that or they were the secret love-children of a Stuka and a vuvuzela. In one of our very first posts we wrote about the horrible noise emanating from the latest Akmal’s larynx and the experience has stayed with us for nearly a year. It probably didn’t help that England were getting soundly thrashed at the time by Saeed Ajmal et al but Akmal’s wailing really did get on our nerves. Our greatest wish for 2013 is that someone discovers a TV technology that can filter out the sound of his voice. Failing that, we’re starting up an earplug factory.

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The TGECF Awards 2012 (Part 1)

We felt we would be missing out if we didn’t follow everyone else’s lead and give out some awards on the arbitrary basis that the date is about to change or some such. After a black tie gala dinner at one of London’s finest establishments (more like a couple of pints and some peanuts at a south London boozer) we’ve come up with some exciting awards to give out. There aren’t any actual prizes, although winners can apply personally to us with £19.99 (plus £2.99 post and packaging) and a couple of signed shirts and we’ll send them a cuddly toy or something.

We’ve split the awards up into two parts, so here goes with Part the first.

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More updates from the first Test

It’s taken two days to come in, but here is the update from our man from Day 4:

COOK STILL BATTING STOP WILL IT EVER END STOP THANK THE LORD FOR PRIOR OR ELSE WOULD HAVE ENDED IT ALL STOP PIETERSEN MAKING PITCH LOOK LIKE SNAKE PIT STOP

And from Day 5:

ENGLAND LOSE BY 9 WICKETS STOP TAIL ONLY GOOD FOR MAKING FEATHER DUSTERS STOP BELL TO RETURN HOME BY NEXT STEAMER FOR BIRTH OF CHILD EXPECTED BACK MARCH STOP WISH MORE OF ENGLAND BATSMENS WIVES WOULD GET IN FAMILY WAY BASED ON CURRENT FORM STOP

Opinionated as ever…

Latest updates from the MCC Tour – 1st Test: Ahmedabad

(London – 17th November) By virtue of the latest in modern technology, this electric telegraph has just arrived from our man in India:

MCC ALL OUT 191 STOP NOW FOLLOWING ON STOP DEPLORABLE COLLAPSE STOP BELL PARTICULARLY CRETINOUS CHIPPING FIRST BALL LONG OFF STOP HANGING MATTER STOP TRYING TO DROWN SORROWS BUT GUJARAT DRY STATE STOP SEND DOZEN CASES CHAMPAGNE IMMEDIATELY PREFERABLY MOET STOP

We’ll have more from our own correspondent in Ahmedabad as and when it comes in.

 

 

I guess that’s why they call it home advantage…

Has Indian skullduggery ever reached such lows? Short of actually releasing a herd of livestock onto the outfield and letting them mill around during the game, there’s nothing more they could have done to piss on England’s chips in terms of preparation than to prepare pitches quite unlike what they’ll face in the Test matches and essentially give them warm up games against a bunch of Sunday second elevens (without spinners).

At least that’s what certain high-profile former English players would have you believe. In a tweet (I can’t believe I’m using a tweet as a journalistic source), Michael Vaughan called the tactics ‘pathetic’ and not in the spirit of the game. David Lloyd described it as ‘lacking in class and style’.

No.
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